Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?