Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

this is the best interaction on twitter

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

🙏🏾