Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy