Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

BaD BoY!!

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.