Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
knights of the ikea table
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.