Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
You Might Also Like
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]