[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.