[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.