Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft