Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

OMG 🤣🤣

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.