Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Can. I. Help. You.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

Lmao the reply

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”