[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
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Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
This makes total sense…
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Just so funny
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money