Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.