Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always.

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*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

Some people were born into their job.