Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

“We will wed,” I threatened

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Not helping

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

Lmbo

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.