Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out