Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.