@GrantTanaka

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

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@WilliamAder

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

@_davidlucas_

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

@IvoryGazelle

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

@batkaren

One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!

@just1fool

If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.

@causticbob

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.