just spent so long prying my step grandmother’s locket open and it was 100% worth it
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!
If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.
Morning wood makes the best fire.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.