Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice