Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
I feel seen.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
How do you like your Corgi?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.