Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…