Banderslack Clamberdorch
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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”