@AndrewNadeau0

Band:Make some noise!
Crowd:WOOO!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
C:WOOO!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!

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@CherBear162

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

@serendipitydon1

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

@AimeeHelene1

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

@naazihah

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

@ThaJawn

Vampire: What is this?

Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-

Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!

@junejuly12

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

@justokpanda

[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*

@Vhalechark

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday