Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Band:Make some noise!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!
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Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
*puts finger over your lips*
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Vampire: What is this?
Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-
Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[first day as a dog trainer]
*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like: