Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
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*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.