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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
The 6 types of sex
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.