Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
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Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The glory of fall.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.