Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim