Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food