Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My dog learned how to text
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”