Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

twitter is a journey

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it