Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?