*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!