*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”