*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Holy moly
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
how long have you had this for?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not