*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My fantasy football season is going great
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
