*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
You Might Also Like
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Life cycle of cat
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations