Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo