*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
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Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that