*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
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[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions