Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.