Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”