bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.