Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
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Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.