bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*