bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
