Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Couple goals

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.