Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips