Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]