Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
When you’re Kinky but poor
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.