Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

I already tried new things thanks.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.