Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.