Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

This sounds bad:

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Whisper out to librarians!

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.