Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Selfie

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

it’s a van. how do they not know this