Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My patience has stretch marks.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many