Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school