[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
You Might Also Like
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Family Celebrity
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“