Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

Every time.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Chicago sounds lovely.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.