Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE