Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.