Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What?”
– Jude

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?