Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

The 6 types of sex

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

I love the honesty