Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.