Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Said the murderer.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.