@BoogTweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

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@amydillon

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

@GriffLightning

OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40

@TraylorParker

My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it’s Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she’s going to end up being. Tulsa.

@FeverFlave

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

@carlyken

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

@pittdave13

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.