[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”