Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
You Might Also Like
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
What about second breakfast?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Jesus Christ lmao
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Brother?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.