bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
