bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
‘I know a black person’
– White people
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…