Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

my professor scared me for a second

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.