Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

How times have changed.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

ㅤ

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”