BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
This is why I hate group projects
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting