Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Selfie

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.