Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Matt Goss

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Air conditioning – not a fan

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance