Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
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•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”